By Heidi Martinuzzi and Amanda Reyes
We went through the best and worst Christmas movies ever, and picked out the most awesome females from each film for your holiday enjoyment. There are so many wonderful bad horror Christmas movies, it'll make you cry tears. Tears of AWESOME...
Tales from the Crypt
Joan Collins, was your career really that bad before Dynasty? Starring in horrific B-Movies like Empire of the Ants and Tales from the Crypt? One vignette in particular, And All Through the House, stars Joan Collins as a devious wife hell-bent on getting away with murder on Christmas Eve. When she hears that there is an escaped convict running around hacking people up with an ax, she makes good use of it by trying to frame the killer for her husband's death! Oh no, you mean, ironically, the real killer actually does make his way to her home, where she has to defend herself? Oh Santa, this was the first time you were evil, and I think Joan Collins learned a lot from you!.
Joan Collins is SUCH a bitch!
Black Christmas (1974)
Margot Kidder makes this film. She is the most interesting character (sorry, Olivia Hussey), and she is always drunk, which makes her exceptionally interesting to me. Disturbingly pretty, vulgar, rude, drunk, and funny, Barb (Kidder's character) is awesome. With an escaped mental patient who hides in the attic and occasionally sneaks down to kill sorority girls on Christmas Eve, Black Christmas is a very classy film that stylized the idea of holidays as a backdrop for horror films. This movie wins the award for best 'death by glass unicorn' scene ever put to film.
Psycho Santa
This awful film has no strong, interesting, or even remotely engaging female characters. So I will instead focus on horror hunk Eric Spudic. With a psychotic burnt mental patient running around killing people with a machete dressed in a Santa suit, Josh and his sister are unwise to be walking by themselves through the woods. Eric Spudic, as Josh, is a sexy and handsome lead, and in actuality, the only interesting character in the entire film. Spudic has appeared in other indie horror flicks, like Dead Clowns, and before this film is swept under the carpet that covers up awful mistakes like Psycho Santa, he will make a strong mark on the indie world.
Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?
There's no mistaking that Auntie Roo is one candy cane short of a Gingerbread house. She keeps her dead daughter, Katherine's, remains in a casket hidden away in a secret room and she holds seances for her too. But this kindly old widow also gives a bang-up Christmas party for the poor orphans down the road. Too bad a child goes missing every so often. But here comes Katy, who looks an awful like Katherine and there goes Roo going all crazy again. Luckily, Katy's brother Christopher has a few tricks up his sleeves too, because it's going to be fight to the death.
To All a Goodnight
After someone's daughter (or niece, or cousin or somebody) takes a nasty spill at a lofty sorority house, the bereaved dons a Santa suit, grabs an axe and gives the sisters forty whacks! Nancy, the virginal girl-next-door type is used to the slutty girls making fun of her, but the retarded handyman, Fast Ralph, thinks she's tops. After she refuses to help the other girls drug the housemother (they do it anyway), a small plane full of college hunks (!) arrives at the sister's house of ill repute. One by one this batch of lascivious nymphs and their beaus are finding out that the spirit of Christmas can be a real bitch.
Satan Claus
This movie is painful to watch. So painful. In my present state of mind, I am incapable of lying and just want to say that this is not only the worst holiday film I've ever seen, It's one of the worst horror films, nay, films in general, that I have ever seen. Please do not watch this film. I would like to add that it is Simonetta Mostrada's fault: She is the writer of the story and the screenplay. Basically a Santa Claus walks around killing people blah blahblah!Dear God just please make this film fall into the obscurity of the netherworld where The Tenement now lives!.
Elves
Kirsten's life is full of strife. She has a crappy job at a mall, her little brother likes to peep on her and her evil monster, er, mother drowns her cat in a toilet (and Kristen gets upset for whole 10 minutes over it)! Blame it on Kristen's dumb luck, but she's also raised an evil elf from the depths of hell just in time for the holidays! Seems this elf feels some sort of psychic connection to her and though he steers clear of the hulking homeless guy (apathetically played by Grizzly Adams himself, Dan Haggerty) who attempts to protect Kirsten, it still ends up brutally ripping apart one of her best friends! Hmmm, psychic connection a little snowy there, isn't it? If Kirsten had any good luck, it's quickly about to go south when she learns the truth behind her incestuous grandfather and mommy dearest. Uh, yuck guys!
Silent Night, Deadly Night
After his parents are killed by a schizoid in a Santa suit, Billy and his brother are shipped off to Our Lady of the Insane orphanage, run by a bitch of an enforcer, Mother Superior. Mother Superior likes to keep a strong hold on her kids, but unfortunately lacks the same skill with the nuns. After she catches Billy spying on a nameless woman of God in bed with a handyman of God, Mother Superior does her best to punish! Billy! Turns out this is not the last thread to break the camel's back but we're getting closer. After being forced to wear a Santa suit, Billy goes on a slayride. Unfortunately, Mother Superior is nowhere to be found until Billy manages to make it back to the orphanage to exact a much-needed revenge. But it looks like God was actually smiling on Mother and the rest, they say, is sequel history.
Home for the Holidays
What Christmas would be complete without a dysfunctional family gathering? The Morgan family gets brownie points for not only having enough daughters to cover every stereotype (the drunk, the slut, the brain and the virgin) but for also giving Daddy Dearest, who's on his deathbed, a chance to request his daughters execute his wife whom he believes is attempting to poison him! Now that's a mouthful! The slut and the drunk and the brain are into it, but leave it up to the youngest, Christine, to screw it all up by asking her sisters to consider that her abusive father just might be, oh I don't know, lying? Has she no loyalty? As it turns out, there's more than meets the eye in this house of secrets.
Jaws 4
After Ellen Brody's son is brutally torn apart and killed by a shark, she decides the best way to grieve is a nice trip to the Caribbean! Well, Mrs. Brody probably thought getting away from the horrors of a shark attack by going to the beach would get her mind off her troubles, but they're just beginning! This particular shark seems bent on Brody revenge and heads toward the warm hemisphere waters to exact it on what's left of the family. Thank God Mrs. Brody has met a sexy scalawag helicopter pilot (Michael Caine) who not only helps her go toe to toe with the menacing beast but also teaches her how to love again! And just in time to hopefully get a nice gift. Ah, ain't life sweet?
"Finally! A nice quiet Christmas. I mean, it's not like that fucking shark could come back a 4th time! That's STUPID, right Michael?
Silent Night, Bloody Night
Mary Woronov, looking kinda hot, (well, it is 1973), is the center of this story involving a slasher, on Christmas, who happens to be an escaped lunatic from an insane asylum...wait a minute. Isn't this the plot of Psycho Santa, Satan Claus, To all a goodnight, Silent Night, Deadly Night, and Black Christmas?
In any case, it's boring, has that unmistakable '1970's' feel (I mean, plaid sport jackets? With turtlenecks?), and centers around the mystery of a will, the old Butler mansion, and a mysterious old recluse who supposedly committed suicide. Unfortunately, someone has made himself quite comfortable in the house and may be a bit 'put out' if he has to leave. Oh! And it's Christmas!
And if that doesn't give your fill of holiday cheer, here's the perfect movie to ring in the holidays:
New Year's Evil
Diane Sullivan is a hot KROQ VJ hosting a televised New Year's Eve countdown in Los Angeles. She's also the target of a handsome serial killer, who likes to go by the name Evil. She asks if he's some kind of phantom and he says 'No. Just evil.' At least he's honest. But this demented freakazoid is viciously murdering unwitting party folks on the dot of every New Year's in each time zone in a pathetic plea to get Diane's attention. She's admittedly freaked out, though she's really too busy ignoring her son, who just landed a role on a hot new TV show, 'Spaceship America' and bitching about her husband who's too 'hopped up on quaaludes' to come and watch her show. But she does have an early 80s wardrobe to die for and let's face it, does anything else matter?
