Starring: Rutger Hauer, Raz Degan, F. Murray Abraham, Kasia Smutniak
Written by: Renzo Martinelli, Giorgio Schottler, and Anna Samueli (Screenplay)
Directed by: Renzo Martinelli
Sword of War is the fictionalized tale of Emperor Frederick I, known as Barbarossa, and his quest for the throne of Charlemagne. The majority of the movie takes place in Northern Italy during the 12th century struggles for freedom. Sadly, they didn’t concentrate on the fierce battles and conquests, but made the story a confusing and boring mish-mash of romance, mysticism, and local politics.
The movie opens with an almost unreadable wall of text in that annoying illuminated calligraphic font which gives you the plot: Barbarossa wants to control all of Italy, but one man puts together a 900 man fighting force called The Company of Death to stop his rule over Milan and the other northern cities. Had they concentrated on the battles and the strategy, it would have made for an interesting and action-packed period story. Unfortunately, they didn’t.
The first few minutes of the film are great; there is a boar hunt and a young boy who turns out to be the future hero of the movie, Alberto da Giussano, meets Barbarossa after saving his life. Barbarossa presents him with a dagger, and the boy runs off after the hunting party arrives. The story then jumps to Barbarossa’s trip to see an oracle, and she divines that land is good, water will kill him, and his unripened virgin bride will bear him fruit. We then see his wedding to the child queen Beatrice.
When I say "child", I mean "child"; she can’t have been more than 10 or 12. A great deal is made about Barbarossa wanting an heir, but that is the last we hear of it. For the rest of the movie, Beatrice is nothing but a cheerleader, spurring Barbarossa to invade and fight further. Barbarossa himself isn’t seen much in battle, though; his cousins and followers do most of the dirty work.
The first fight we see is a tiny, tiny one; a group of Italians, including a now grown Alberto, are attempting to steal across the river with some untaxed goods, and they are set upon by some soldiers. Alberto is wounded and healed by his beloved seer/psychic Eleonora, whose sister Tessa is sought by the governor/lord Siniscalco Barozzi. The story just tanks from here. They tried way too hard to cram too many elements in: the prophecy, the romance, the witchcraft, the politics… Again, could have been a great story, but many bad parts make a bad whole.
I really wanted to enjoy this movie; I mean the cover is so deceptive: Rutger Hauer in full armor roaring a war cry, sword raised, furious battle behind him… YES! A riveting tale of the mighty empire versus the peasantry, improvised weapons, hundreds of fighters on horseback crashing together like waves in the ocean! Lies, all lies. It turns out that the cover captured him mid-yawn.
It’s as if they took the scripts to Braveheart, Excalibur, and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, stuck them into a blender, and called it good. Actually, that would be an AWESOME movie, but they took out anything coherent and exciting from the story. There are time jumps of months or even years, as this movie spans 20 years in two hours, yet there is nothing to establish where or when you are except for when you get a look at Rutger Hauer and see how his old age makeup has progressed.
They used CGI blood for most of the up-close gore which always disappoints, and the fighting was terribly choreographed. There were points during several fight scenes where you could see the actors thinking Okay, he moved there, now I move here and hit there and dodge here and now a four-count power swing and fall.
The acting was bad, even Hauer seemed to be phoning it in. It also didn’t help that the dubbing was even worse; not even the many cries of “FREEDOM!” had any emotion or excitement; in fact they made me laugh because it reminded me of the cheers in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
My biggest problem with this movie, aside from the convoluted story and lackluster acting was that it was so fucking boring. I watch bad movies all the time, and I will watch anything, and I mean ANYTHING, but if it is boring, you can forget it. I don’t ask much, just keep me entertained! This movie had no reason at all to be boring, yet it achieved it and I don’t know how! They even burned Eleonora as a witch at the stake, and it was so dull! Even when her sister jumped from the roof of the convent rather than marry the imperialist rat, it didn’t stir the story in the slightest. There was nothing that compels you to stick with the story, nothing that hooks you to see what happens next. For a story as mixed up and confusing, I am honestly surprised there wasn’t a spaceship that burst from the clouds to annihilate some medieval scum, and I would have supported that plot device for the simple fact that it would have livened up the story, and made just as much sense as the rest of the movie.
It is a sad, sad thing I do when I tell you to skip this one, unless you need a nap.
Rating: (1.5 out of 5):
Boring Rutger Hauer is so sad. Nice review! Welcome!
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