Piranha 3D (2010)

Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Written by: Pete Goldfinger, Josh Stolberg
Cast: Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames, Elisabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Eli Roth, Jerry O'Connell, Steven R. McQueen, Jessica Szohr, Kelly Brook, Riley Steele

I hate Lake Havasu.

There is just something horribly obnoxious about such an intense collection of douchebags drinking, dancing, and barfing in a single location of the world all at once. The ever increasing and startlingly high douche content of the Lake Havasu spring break population may come to destroy the entire globe, and the existence of this threat can been proven by science. If the Lake Havasu douchebag density increases any further, a quantum singularity of pure unadulterated douchasity may manifest into being as a dreaded black douche hole which will suck our universe into a bizarre realm of orange tans and steroids before ripping our souls into dust.

Piranha 3D is almost like a pleasant day dream to someone like me; "I hate these Lake Havasu people", I might think, given the chance, "I sure wish a bunch of giant prehistoric piranha would show up and eat their cheeks!" After some careful consideration, I might duct tape an addendum involving naked women, but only so far as it doesn't get in the way of hordes of murderous fish crashing the party and killing them all. This, in a nutshell, is exactly what Piranha 3D has to offer, and it is exactly what you will get.

The killer fish of Piranha 3D are utterly ridiculous and the movie doesn't even give a damn. Their entire existence is completely suspect - somehow, a large colony of giant prehistoric piranhas has been thriving in the darkness of an underground lake for hundreds of thousands of years. Christopher Lloyd makes an enjoyable cameo doing his whacky eccentric old scientist bit, and offers only the tiniest illumination on how their survival would have been possible. "They must have been feeding off of themselves!" he explains while fueling his Delorean and ignoring the fact that a predator that is forced to live exclusively by feeding upon its own species is going to be extinct, fast. Not to mention, considering they've been living in a lightless cavern for hundreds of thousands of years - shouldn't they be blind albino piranha by now?

While none of this makes any sense - no one cares. You shouldn't either. The movie flaunts the fact it doesn't make any sense, and it really is just part of the package. If you boiled Piranha 3D down to its skinny little fish bones, you would have a better than average made-for-Syfy film mixed with buckets of gore and almost as much tits and ass as an old Russ Meyer movie. Piranha 3D offers no attempt to deconstruct the nature of bad "nature attacks" films, nor does it strive to offer anything new in the way of clever twists and turns; it is simply a movie about tits, ass, and killer fish eating people alive. That's it.

However, it is extremely good at what it does. The gore of the film is very over the top, wonderfully bold, and completely gruesome. Word has it that director Alexander Aja used approximately 80,000 gallons of fake blood to color his various deadly fish attacks and after seeing it I must say - it's quite possible. The special effects of Piranha 3D strike a neat balance between practical and CGI effects, often making it difficult to determine which effects were computerized and which were the result of great makeup.

That's not to say that all of the CGI of Piranha 3D is flawless. The fish themselves are a bit silly, though it is also true that they appear much improved from the early trailers and clips that were released. And - while we're on the topic of enhanced graphics - the 3D was also done very well. Piranha 3D uses fun old-style silliness from past generation 3D films such as Friday the 13th 3 (in 3D!). Items and various bodily fluids are quite intentionally ejaculated straight towards the viewer in order to take advantage of the added dimension. Among other things, look for thrown water bottles, blood, dropping anchors, vomit, tits, and flying fish parts to come bouncing out of the screen at you.

The nudity is also taken way past standard norms, and often goes way beyond the mere fleeting glimpses of bare skin that most films consider the public limit. One particular scene goes on for quite some time, featuring two naked women cavorting underwater to the angelic melody of The Flower Duet from Lakmé. It goes on and on - well past the point that they could realistically hold their breath, though most won't consciously realize this fact as most (well, most men) will be busy staring at their hoohas.

I will say something about this and it is a topic that's gotten me in a little trouble in the past, but whatever - nudity is awesome. Naked people are great and I love them. I really feel we, as a culture, need to get off of our stupid moral high horses and admit that nudity never hurt a movie, ever. It's true that naked people won't make a bad movie "good", but it's also true that they can be awfully nice to look at. I mean, Gone with the Wind was a masterpiece - but now imagine it also included attractive naked people. Win? I think so.

I do surrender early, though, to the point that most nudity shown in modern films suffers from a gender imbalance in deference to men, and Piranha 3D falls prey to this old and unfortunate practice. While many of the women in Piranha 3D are beautiful and topless, the men are typically dorks or douchebags, and both types tend to keep their clothes on. The other high horse we need to abandon is the archaic misconception that women do not care to see attractive naked men. They do - trust me, they like it very much - and ultimately it's of great benefit to men to afford women the same level of eye candy as men have always had, as women are likely to make their partner the subject of any arousal they may feel after viewing a collection of attractive and shirtless male bodies.

Piranha 3D is far from a smart movie - but it's not trying to be. This is an outrageous film with oodles of boobs and grue, gently peppered with light, often cameo-based, humor. It never seeks to do anything inventive or clever, and so it never is - but it is still successful in being a hell of a lot of fun.

This is a Day Two Review.

Rating: (4 out of 5):