Written by Todd Farmer & Zane Smith
Directed by Patrick Lussier
Featuring Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Jensen Ackles, Tom Atkins, Megan Boone, Kevin Tighe, Betsy Rue
2009, Lionsgate www.mybloodyvalentinein3d.com
It's totally 3-D, and it's totally R. It has three incredibly sexy men, one totally naked chick, a midget with cleavage, a cute French bulldog, a crazy murderer with a pickaxe, a love triangle, a token black dude, a town haunted by the memory of something, and a scene where someone's jaw flies at you (in 3-D). And that someone is Tom Atkins. His jaw, that is. I have to say this movie is so incredibly fun and silly but the filmmakers took the time to make sure the script made relative sense and that the acting was passable so I am pleasantly surprised, considering crap like The Unborn actually gets made and in theaters. Someone put in a bit of effort. Michael Bay, please go see this;
My Bloody Valentine is about a small mining town beset by disaster when young and careless Tom Hanniger (the strangely beautiful Jensen Ackles of Supernatural) causes a mine explosion by not paying attention to some dials on the wall of the mine. Apparently, imminent explosion occurs and miners die. One year later, little Tommy thinks having a crazy makeout-n-beer party in the mine is a great idea; only he doesn't know that the one survivor of the accident is ready to kill him and all his friends. And so the killer goes on a murderous rampage and Tommy is unable to stop everyone from being pick axed in the eyeball or shoveled in the face. Luckily, his girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King) and her two buds Irene (Betsey Rue) and Axel (Kerr Smith) make it out alive. Tom gets away too, but with some severe emotional and mental scars that make him leave town.
The very very very goodlooking Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) freaking out cause the murderer is realllly scary
Okay, fast forward ten years. Axel is now sheriff of the town, Sarah is now married to Axel, Irene is a truck-stop skank whore, and Tom Hanniger is back in town to sell the mine he just inherited. Cue inevitable meeting with Sarah at the grocery store where she works, and cue jealousy between Tom and Axel. While Sarah ponders the meaning of true love, her husband Axel is screwing young hot grocery store employee Megan in a grody old abandoned mining cabin. Wherever you can get it, I guess!
Tom Atkins, Kerr Smith, and Jaime King all worried about being pickaxed to death
OH! I almost forgot that the murders have started up again, as soon as Tom turned up in town after ten years. Coincidence? Axel doesn't think so. So now we have a race against time to find and stop the killer before he frames Tom, and kills Sarah, and completely befuddles Axel.
The sheriff Axel (Kerr Smith) and Token Black Actor AKA The Black Dude from 'Twilight'
The killer makes sure all this plot is filled in with awesome kills, decapitations, exploding jaws and smashed skulls, and lots of really sick crap.
There's an extended nude scene in which Irene runs screaming for her life through a motel parking lot completely naked and even endured death some minutes later still bare-naked. This is after she's had sex with a mean old trucker who hurts her feelings. Sex we can see. There's also some fine acting on the part of Tom Atkins as the retired town sheriff, and the plot is thin enough to allow things like men in black mining uniforms to crawl around town pick-axing people, but makes enough sense so that we suspend our disbelief long enough to enjoy some of the really great special effects.
Axel about to have an illict affair with young grocery store hottie Megan (Megan Boone)
The fact that this film is in 3-D makes it 90000000 times better. Before it would have been a fun little horror flick "
