Mr. August: Scott Norton

For sweltering August, which is the best way to bring to mind the opiate-addicted romance of the Romantic poet hunks like Keats, Coleridge, Shelley, and of course, the syphilitic-but-sexy Lord Byron? By checking out a sexy horror writer! Scott Norton is the modern day equivalent of a gothic romance hero; except that he’s nothing like one. Between writing his successful horror fiction like HorrorCon and sWitch, he’s busy being a dude playing in a band and bewitching the world with his wit and charm. Oddly enough, this hunk spends most of his time indoors writing frightening things; think of him as the ‘Ted Bundy’ of horror – he’s funny and charming and you’d probably get in his car if you were hitchhiking, but there’s just something a little ‘off’. Is it merely that he’s from some ocean seaside-place with the wind blowing and the sand perfect for burying your corpse? Or is it something far far worse? Whatever – throw away your self-esteem (like you had any!) and just go for the cute guy who makes you laugh. Check out Scott...

If you could only take one thing on a desert island, would you take:

and WHY?

Tweezers, obviously. The matches would only last for so long so you'd might as well learn to get a fire going without them. As for the boat, I tend to get seasick, but having watched every single episode of MacGyver, I can construct a satellite radio from a single pair of tweezers. I also tend to get a unibrow, which makes me look angry all the time and that's just not cool around lots of nervous monkeys.

Scott insists he 'has no pictures of himself because he's an author', but someone took this picture of Scott taking a picture of himself with his phone looking into a mirror, so how does he explain that, huh?

What's it like to go on a date with Scott?

A date with Scott is like shaving your legs: you don't always feel like it and sometimes you get hurt, but in the end all is smooth and sexy and you remember why you did it in the first place. Probably.

Scott with his best friend, actor Stephen Baldwin

Tell us about HorrorCon, and why it’s awesome?

HorrorCon is basically Lost in Translation at a horror convention, where the Scarlett Johansson character is living a nightmare that she may want the ultimate escape from, and the Bill Murray character discovers that he may be able to help her. He also drinks blood, which gives us a clue as to how. Call it Lost in Transfusion, if you like. It's written as a character mystery of sorts, and is chock full of typical horror convention elements that I think people might find fascinating. It was my first book so there may be a few rookie mistakes in there, but those who have read it have really enjoyed it. One even said they "loved" it, but you should only take to heart about 50% of what your mother says.

One of many pictures of Scott singing with his band The Test Icicles, which plays an eclectic mix of bar-room punk and liberal hippy crybaby pop rock.

What is your sexiest quality?

My sexiest quality might be that I don't know what it is. But I've been told that I've got great eyes, I'm funny, and my favorite is "I know who I am". The last one is easy if you've ever been stuck in a long line at the DMV with nothing to read but your old license.

Who is the sexiest 80's scream queen? Give us a good reason!

Scream Queen, huh? Got a definition for one, 'cause it can be a vague term? Actually, I'd have to say Linnea Quigley. I've met her briefly and you can tell she's got the loveliest soul. She also seems to never age, which is a plus if you're into that kind of thing (ahem). I do have to give props to Priscilla Barnes, though. Technically she's not an 80's scream queen, but after speaking with her for about five minutes I felt like I should take a pregnancy test. It was negative, by the way.

You're a writer. The following are all either true or false facts about writers. Please write an 'F' or a 'T' next to each fact to show your answer.

a) William S. Burroughs accidentally killed his wife while trying to shoot a glass off of her head when he was high and drunk

Sadly, this is a "T". For the record, I tried it with a water pistol and it's really hard.

b) James Joyce was a violent drunk

Was he Irish? Yes. Sorry, "T".

c) All writers are drunks

F. Only the ones without a day job. For example, it's my life's goal to be a full time drunk.

d) Oscar Wilde was gay and drunk

F. Don't quote me, but I don't think you can be both at once and be responsible for either.

When you grow up, would you rather be like Stephen King or like Dean Koontz?

I'm going to say Dean Koontz, because I'd rather not be hit by a van.

The Test Icicles riling up the crowd at the Hard Rock cafe in Atlantic City with their cover of 'I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart'

Turn ons?

I'm turned on by the simple things, really. Earl Grey tea exactly three degrees below boiling, having the back of my neck scratched by very long nails provided one of them is false, and tweezers. Stainless steel manufactured in Malaysia, obviously. Actually, nothing quite gets to me like a creative performance or work of art of some kind done honestly and brilliantly. It could be Jimi Hendrix at Monterey, a confessional couplet by Shakespeare or Bukowski, or an inspirational speech by our current President. Whether it's the arts, sports or just simple, selfless acts, humanity at its best always gets me. And boobs.

Okay, so there was this one photo where a very naturally pretty gymnast girl was doing this insane split while totally focused on one of her nails. It was the most feminine depiction of anything I'd ever seen and yes, it turned me on.

Turn-offs?

The revolting combination of ignorance and arrogance in any form turns me off more than anything. They're both conditions under which we have full control, and they often affect others in profound ways. I hate moany, negative attitudes, too, but at least they're mostly harmless.

When The Test Icicles sang their big hit, 'I Just Fell In Something and I Sure Hope It’s Love', Scott knew it was time to quit because he didn't want to 'sell out'

Tell us about sWitch!

Ahh, sWitch is a high-camp romp about accepting the darkness of the universe and finding happiness in that twisted balance of whom we really are. It follows the journey of a Betty Crocker type suburban homemaker whose family is crumbling under the pressures of society's expectations both within and without the home. In the midst of her struggle to keep them together, she's found Satan. No kidding. In fact, her knowledge of the occult comes in handy when, on a trip to an old fixer-upper she inherited from a mysterious relative, they're attacked by a trio of home invaders bent on sick and sadistic kicks. In a very "witchy" way, the circumstances reverse––or sWitch––and the hunters become the hunted. And as they get down to the hilarious business of protecting themselves, the family bonding kicks into horrific high-gear. I liken it to a modern day Addams Family of sorts, but a lot edgier and full of over-the-top humor. It's loaded with surprises and shocking developments, and I like to think the characters on both sides are likable and interesting in their own, slightly sick way.

I was gonna say something funny, but instead I think I'll just say, 'That's a fucking cute guy, am I right'?

Extra Credit:

please answer the following question using these words/phrases. "Convention", "Useless Major", and "Guido". You must use each phrase/word at least once, and the answer may not contain more than 5 sentences. Go!

You may be hung up on the modern conventions of whatever useless major you've chosen to pursue, but even a meat-headed Guido with a fake orange tan and horrible chicken legs knows that a good horror novel is far more worthy of pursuing.

Visit Scott at www.ScottStories.com