Directed by: Sylvester Stallone
Written by: Dave Callaham, Sylvester Stallone
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, David Zayas, Giselle Itié, Charisma Carpenter, Gary Daniels, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Hank Amos, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis
America is a breeding ground for evil corporate billionaires. They spread out like the tendrils of fungi, infiltrating small governments of impoverished nations, subverting local dictators to their twisted and sinister wills. This is why guys like The Expendables exist; rugged mercenary killing machines out to be hired by the forces of good to exterminate the villains and their minions, once and for all. Or, something like that.
The Expendables, if you haven't heard, is an ensemble cast of familiar action heroes all bundled up into one film of action movie goodness. The hero mercenaries are hired by Bruce Willis - and let's just presume it was Bruce Willis doing the hiring and not some character he was playing - and sent down south to take out a bad old South American dictator. If you might have caught my drift, this dictator has been corrupted by "Evil Corporate America", and he also has a really hot daughter; two revelations which force The Expendables to take at least 82 minutes longer in their mission than they had originally planned.
The good part is - and this shouldn't surprise anyone - the action sequences of The Expendables are pretty entertaining. Bullets fly and stuff explodes. Really, any portion of The Expendables that includes guys shooting each other, or stabbing each other, or breaking any necks, legs, or elbows with interesting maneuvers, is pretty entertaining, with some scenes more entertaining than others. That one scene with that big fat 
plane strafing that pier and then dumping gasoline on it and then they shot that flare and then it went on fire and everything exploded including all the bad guys? That was neat! Also, very cool usage of a fully automatic shotgun; yes, I do want one for Christmas, thank you.
The same is mostly true for any of the other much smaller sequences in which the our action heroes drop one-liners on one another. There are some decent moments of bantering humor, with perhaps the best being those during Schwarzenegger's cameo.
But here's the rub; any scene that not featuring gross amounts of violence or that did not employ the use of cleverly delivered verbal riposte, sucked. This was a sizable chunk of the movie. There was some sort of strange thematic presence in the film about men pining for women that just screwed the whole thing up. Stallone definitely does some pining for the hot daughter of the dictator. The dictator, while maybe not exactly "pining", is forced to make some rather crucial alliance decisions due to his love for his daughter. There's two scenes in the film of Jason Statham having trouble with his girl - and these two scenes have nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Mickey Rourke gets dumped and feels sad, and Jet Li morosely mentions at one point that he "has no family".
What is the deal with all this emotionally flaccid nonsense? This should have been a high action film with tons of humor and only that. It should have contained a bunch of self-deprecating old man jokes. But it doesn't - I don't think there's a single geriatric crack in the entire film, even though it's obvious the bulk of them are pushing 60 or more. We're supposed to take this aging mercenary crew seriously, and we're supposed somehow become emotionally invested in their ideas of romantic love, personal loss, and family. This is the greatest sin of The Expendables - it should have been fun all the way through with no pause in the good times whatsoever, but instead it tries to inject this insipid, paperback emotionalism designed to tug out weepy little sentimental tears.
The worst scene in of this mess is with Mickey Rourke. In what is supposed to be a big tear jerker, he recalls a story of his mercenary days, of killing many, many people, and then seeing a woman on a bridge who was about to jump and commit suicide. He doesn't save her, and turns his back as she dies, and therefore, he opines, loses the last of his soul. This entire monologue is delivered with Mickey's face in a full screen closeup, gently crying, a drop of spit on his lip perilously close to becoming drool, as Stallone silently listens off screen. It's just trite nonsense - I wanted damned Barfly, only with guns, and not this guy who dresses like he enjoys the pizza at the Hollywood Rainbow on Friday nights crying about his fucking lost soul.
The most entertaining performance likely goes to Dolph Lundgren, who plays loose cannon Gunnar Jensen. The guy really has an affable charisma that makes him likable, even when he's betraying his friends and nearly getting them all killed. I wish he was in the film more than he was. Also enjoyable was Jet Li, who carries a dry sense of humor usually revolving around his diminutive size in comparison to the steroid factories he's partnered with.
I mentioned earlier that the action in the film was entertaining - it was. It's also not as entertaining as it could have been. The film often employs the now common "shaky cam" technique in order to try to convey chaos and energy. Shaky cam can work if done right, only here it wasn't. With everything shaking and the editing working overtime, it was often difficult to tell what in the world was going on.
The film's CGI is pretty questionable. There are multiple shots in the film with cartoon blood squirting with all the elegance of a photochopped animated GIF. It's worth wondering much of the 82 million dollar film budget was devoted to the paychecks of the star power. Given the cartoonish arterial sprays, they must have broken their bank and were forced to skimp on special effects.
I also mentioned earlier that the humor was funny - but not always. The first act is the best, but by the third act the jokes drag themselves into a smarmy territory so self-indulgent as to induce flatulence in anyone over the age of 30. The film ends on the worse possible note, with Jason Statham reciting an impromptu poem that was supposed to be cute but instead threatened to cause theatergoers' 
eyeballs to roll out of their heads, bounce on the floor, and rest in a warm pool of Mickey Rourke's drool and tears.
All in all The Expendables is one big missed opportunity. While the action and the humor do have their moments, they are absolutely eclipsed by a shaky plot, weepy undertones, and sometimes questionable special effects and editing. All of the big dollar talent of The Expendables would be best viewed on the small dollar screen - which is to say, cable.
This is a Day Two Review
Rating: (2 out of 5):
Comments
Personally I don't want a smart movie, I want a good movie. Perhaps you thought you were buying a ticket for a Terms of Endearment sequel or something?
No - that's not an action movie. Let me explain it again.
A good action movie should still be a good film, even if you strip out all of the action. The Expendables is sappy crap if you strip it.
A good example of what I am talking about is the movie Airplane (and I've used this example before); the reason it's a classic comedy is that behind all of the gags and goofy jokes, it is an excellently well structured film.
The Expendables, without the action, is about a bunch of whiny old men with girl troubles crying about their fucking lost souls. That's just not something I'm into.
Personally I don't want a smart movie, I want a good movie. Perhaps you thought you were buying a ticket for a Terms of Endearment sequel or something?
The Expendables is by far the #2 best action movie to come out in the last 10 years (#1 being Rambo). It had everything an '80s-style action flick is suppose to and more. I was entertained fully from the second the lights went down to the very end of the credits.
Inception was a snore fest and while it had a good idea behind it, the writing was poor and it was about an hour too long. I could have taken a nap during most of it and not missed a thing. If you close your eyes you can't tell the difference between any of the characters because they're all written in the same voice.
I was predicting $34 million and it grossed an estimated $35 million. Stallone's best opening weekend ever. This movie is gonna have some legs too. Watch out Inception. Now how about that sequel?
Yea, I tend to avoid theaters with the under 21 crowds. Too much other stuff going on for you to enjoy the movie.
I figure Toy Story 3 should hit the pub theaters soon. The matinees do allow all ages, but they always have an evening, adults only showing of Pixar films
I remember back in the 80's seeing Eddie Murphy's 'Raw' in the theater. We smuggled in beer, and we weren't the only ones. We got tipsy enough that we even lit up cigarettes.
It's funny, I seriously doubt you could get away with that now - but back then no one complained! I'd probably be the first to complain if someone did that now (especially since I haven't smoked in years).
There's a couple "nice" theaters around here, The Bridge being one of them, that do 21 and over showings and allow booze in the theater. Even if you're not drinking, the 21 and overs are just nice as teens are the worst about using their damned cellphones/iphones in the theater.
Drinking beer while watching movies is a beautiful thing in a theater full of drunks. The Vic Theater in Chicago is home to the brew & view. That is where I watched a triple feature of House of 1,000 Corpses, Final Destination 2 and one other horror film I can't remember. Good times. Cheap to get in and cheap beer. Now they're showing Sex In The City 2 and Get Him To The Greek. Being plastered is the only way I'd ever sit through Sex In The City. Maybe those women would be attractive with beer goggles on.
Back in the 80s, a friend and I would find a horror film at the theater, each have a pitcher of beer and half a large pizza, then see who'd last the longest without running to the bathroom (or puking, as this was when theaters would show unrated horror films).
I almost lost during the eyeball scene in Zombie, but I remained undefeated.
It's all in the training.
I admit I'm jealous of the idea of a movie theater that you cannot only drink in, but that is walking distance from home!
I've drank during movies before and it's fun but then I always have to hit the can ever 20 minutes (and get another beer).
This time not so much. What should be expected of an action movie? Does shit blow up in this movie? Yes it does and quite impressively.
I don't object to the action scenes for the most part (though less shaky cam would be nice) - actually I would argue that the film needed *more* action scenes. The biggest problems of the film are those portions between good jokes and people getting shot. It's most of the scenes that involve dialogue.
Rambo was *great*. It had a much stronger plot going for it and better character development (though I suppose it did have the help of featuring a franchise character from a long series of films).
I think the rule of thumb is this - and this goes for action films as well as comedies, or torture porn, or whatever. If you take out all the action (or jokes, or torture porn, or whatever), do you still have a good film? The action should be the punches to an otherwise well structured movie. It shouldn't be the *only* thing going for it. If you take out all of the action of The Expendables - you'll have a really shitty movie left. It barely has any story at all.
I want action films that tell a good story while also delivering a ton of adrenaline pumping explosions. Inception, actually, is a great example of that. I don't expect all action movies to be as well developed as Inception, but I do wish they'd be a little smarter than The Expendables.
A DVD might be best - you can fast forward the parts where people talk!
Well, that's the time to get another beer from the concession stand!!
As an example, I was SO buzzed by the end of Gladiator, I was glad to be within walking distance of my home. The action scenes were great, but every time someone opened their mouth, I heard everything from Conan to Mad Max to Braveheart. I'd look at my empty glass and think it was time for another beer.
Very. Bad. Idea.
Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't drive if I catch The Expendables there as well.
I generally agree with you 100% Tristan. This time not so much. What should be expected of an action movie? Does shit blow up in this movie? Yes it does and quite impressively. Do bad guys get blown into tiny little bits and with big, loud guns. Most definitely and with a kill count rivaling Rambo. I don't know I had an absolute blast with this movie. It was funny and over-the-top with some of the best fighting sequences I've seen in a long time. Yeah, I'm pretty tired of the modern wire-fu action movie so maybe I just appreciate it for what it is a little more. The 80's was absolutely the best decade for action movies as far as I'm concerned and I pretty much dislike everything else about it.
I think Stallone is one of the better writer/director/actors in the business and he's doing some great work lately. Rocky Balboa was an excellent way to close the chapter on one of the most iconic characters in film and Rambo (the 4th movie) is my favorite in the series. Expendables is great and after Stallone has his best opening weekend of his career then I'll be anxiously awaiting word for the sequel. Maybe with JCVD, Seagal and Carl Weathers?
But Dolph Lundren is my husband! I love him! and his perfect master race genes!
A DVD might be best - you can fast forward the parts where people talk!
At 44% on Rotten Tomatoes, it looks like I was on the majority this time. Though some of the critics are whining because it was "too violent"; I hate that. It really could have used *more* action, not less.
I've heard a few people agree with you. And, frankly, I don't like paying $10 for a movie I didn't like. So I'll either rent the DVD or catch it in the second run theaters, where $10 will get me a ticket, popcorn and a beer.
Well, I am seeing some other folks on Facebook and such go on about how it's 80's action movie goodness, so not all are agreeing with me for certain. It just seemed like weak sauce to me.
Ah crap. Was hoping this one would be half way decent.
Oh well. All the more reason to see Piranha 3D instead.