Another 'Battleship' Trailer Washes Ashore

The Universal Pictures marketing armada has launched another trailer for Battleship, Peter Berg's cinematic version of the classic Hasbro strategy game. And though I still think it's a stupid idea for a film, I have to commend the powers that be for their apparent understanding of one of war's basic strategic truths: An army must adapt in order to survive.

The previous trailer for Battleship was a mess. It contained a little bit of everything for almost everybody. It had electronica, rock and roll, sex, comedy, forbidden love, war movie clichés, a craggy Liam Neeson, and, oh, did I mention aliens?

Anyway, that trailer was roundly mocked by the whole Internet, which basically said, "What the hell was that, and how is it even a little like the Battleship I played as a kid?"

So, the producers apparently went back to the drawing board, looked at their product a little closer and decided to reshape our impressions by refocusing and streamlining their promotional materials.

Gone are the forbidden love, comedy and sex. In their place are ominous music and visuals. Remaining are the war movie clichés, a craggy Liam Neeson and those darn aliens. Also added is expository dialogue that reveals the film is set amid a session of war games, thereby communicating that this Battleship is absolutely a little like the Battleship we played as kids.

I can practically hear the producers now: "Battleship is a war game; 'Battleship the movie' includes war games. Can't you see? They are essentially identical. So calm down, Internet, and enjoy the spectacle. Of course there are aliens! I mean, really, how did else you expect us to make a movie out of Battleship anyway?" How else indeed.

Hey, I'm glad you asked. I came up with the answer to that problem a while back. Here's how to make a movie out of Battleship: Don't make a movie out of Battleship. Actually, it's pretty simple once you think about it.

If we have to have a Battleship movie (and it seems we do), I'm still hoping against hope that at some point the crusty Admiral played the craggy Neeson will have the opportunity to stare into an alien commander's deep, dark eyes and proclaim, "Sir, you've sunk my battleship."