Hasbro and Universal Pictures have done pretty well since they teamed to convert the toy maker's illustrious products into cinema. (Well, maybe "cinema" isn't appropriate; perhaps "inane action movies" would be a more apt turn of phrase.)
Despite falling on the lower end of the quality scale, films based on Hasbro toys (such as the Transformers flicks and G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra) have done huge business. Now comes Battleship, which claims to take its inspiration from the classic game. But based on the trailer, the only resemblance I can see between film and source material is the inclusion of battleships.
Peter Berg (Hancock, Friday Night Lights) is the director charged with bringing this unnecessary ship into port. (Yes, expect plenty of nautical puns during the coming year's coverage of this flick.) The filmmakers have tried to increase the blockbuster potential of this movie by throwing both forbidden love and aliens into the mix. (Editor's note: Aliens are like tequila — at the start of an evening's entertainment, they seem to improve everything. But after two hours of constant intake, you'll likely reconsider.) Now, I don't remember either romance or extraterrestrials from the many hours I spent playing Battleship as a kid, but I must admit their inclusion definitely would've provided the game with more possibilities.
The actors taking part in this doomed voyage (I warned you) include Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgård, Brooklyn Decker, Rihanna and Taylor Kitsch, who apparently is being positioned as Hollywood's Next Big Thing. (Editor's note: As were Channing Tatum and Colin Farrell before him. Good luck, Taylor.)
While Battleship the movie seems to have absolutely nothing to do with Battleship the game, I hope against hope that at some point Neeson's crusty Admiral will have the chance to stare into an alien commander's deep, dark eyes and proclaim, "Sir, you've sunk my battleship." Please, movie gods, make it so. (Stray thought: Are these the same aliens that appear in Cowboys & Aliens, which is also a Universal property? Are these aliens just hopping through time and screwing with people? I hope so — I smell franchise.)
By the way, if you think the pointlessness of these Hasbro game movies will keep more from escaping being released, think again. G.I. Joe is headed your way once more, and there's a planned Monopoly film rumored to be directed by Ridley Scott. (Editor's note: Expect an alien plan to subvert our economy by snapping up all the railroads as well as the orange, yellow and blue properties.) Also, McG is directing a big-budget Ouija board movie (which perplexingly appears to have little or nothing to do with the supernatural), so my prayers have been answered. How about yours?
My dreams of a live-action CANDYLAND movie don't seem so insane!!!! I can't wait to see Charlize Theron as Queen Frostine!
"Another great thing about being 70,000 light years away from the nearest Starfleet vessel is that once we finally get back to Earth, we can makeup bullshit stories. Off the top of my head: 'We met Amelia Earhart,' 'We singlehandedly eliminated most of the Borg fleet' or 'Paris and I turned into giant pink lizards and mated.'"
At least The Black Keys are getting a paycheck out of this, I guess.
I'm holding out hope for a movie based on Tiddlywinks, because it is fun to say "Tiddlywinks".
I'm glad that we, as a society, spent $200 million on a movie based on a board game. I think we should go ahead and construct a giant, solid gold hamburger monument that costs a billion dollars. Might as well. Tiddlywinks.
LOL, if you'll notice in the trailer there's a bit where somebody says, "Sir, my radar is completely down!" I expect this means we'll get a scene where somebody yells something along the lines of "I don't care if you can't see what we're shooting at, fire everything you've got at grid B7!"
This was the preview before Cowboys and Aliens and when that title came up, in the BATTLESHIP font the crowd roared with some of the loudest laughter that I have ever heard. I smell an hour and half of pointlessness.
Oh I would watch Taylor Kitsch in the big screen epic version of "Monopoly Melee" or "Sorry: The Last Stand." Though I felt a near flash of physical pain when they took the hair.
There, that's better. As far as the movie, it might work on a fun, kitschy level; I remember my sister actually laughed at the preview for "Cowboys and Aliens" when the title card came up--during the next few days we kept looking at each other and exclaiming, "Cowboys and Aliens!" at random times, drawing perplexed stares from those around us. But it still made us want to see the movie.