American Maniacs (2010)

Someone else said that too, but no I meant sticking your face in Jesus' crotch would be bad as in SACRILEGE!!!!!

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This movie is pretty awful. I saw a screening of it recently in Kansas City, and I was a walk-on extra during the "search" scene (which, by the way, was a horrible experience), and I was truly excited. Sure, they didn't include my wife's name in the credits even though she nearly froze to death doing their stupid scene--which showed up as a MONTAGE in the movie. Sure, my name's in the credits--as a CLUB PATRON, when I wasn't even IN A CLUB! But these "film makers" somehow managed to take a semi-interesting concept and turn it into a giant turd of a film that only the retarded would find decent. If the movie was made as a spoof-horror for comedic purposes then it would get a 10 from me. I found myself struggling to hold in my laughter throughout several scenes in the movie, especially during scenes that were supposed to be "scary!" I'm going to flood this review with spoilers, so I hope you guys are ready for this. If not, stop reading at this point and do everything in your power not to waste your time with this flick.

*~OH MY GOD, SPOILERS!!~* Now then, let's begin. First, the stereotypes. I love how the movie opens up to two horrible actors in some grocery store, both with the worst mid-western accents I've ever seen. News flash, Fetch: WE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT. The dialog was about as uncomfortable as you could get, and the script was amazingly bad. Fast forward to a bunch of horrible acting and a plot full of holes, and you've got a perverted old Sheriff who enjoys advancing on prostitutes while his crippled/perverted wife watches and gives pointers. Another uncomfortable movie, but not because it's "distbrung", "strange", or "frightening", but because the acting's horrible and there's no rhyme or reason for any of it. It's just plain crap.

Fast forward over some mindless blah blah blah and you have a mentally handicapped guy looking so incredibly stereotypical. Do this for a second, readers: close your eyes and imagine an overweight retard with a beard. Imagine what he's wearing and how he's acting. Yep, you nailed it! He's wearing a flopping stocking cap with a fuzzy ball on the end and is overacting his handicap! Way to go, Fetch! Now give him some chips and stick him in the back seat--he'll entertain himself!

Also, why is there so much mindless nudity in this movie? Mindless, tasteless nudity--especially in the opening credits. Don't get me wrong, I love nudity--but besides the horrible acting, plot, and storyline, I'd bet you that the excessive amount of nudity plays a role in the reason why this movie will NEVER hit theaters and probably won't even sell as a DVD ANYWHERE.

Another spoiler--so, the killer is this guy that's missing half of his "junk" and is really upset about it. He stores these girls in chicken coops in his barn, yells out a bunch of nonsense when he's around them, and then kills them and feeds them to his dogs (which, by the way, are cute little dogs that were actually the only nice thing during filming). The movie doesn't explain why the dogs are hungry enough to eat people, what happens to the remains of the dead people (or the smell), why the killer is angry--basically, we have no clue why any of this is happening. None of this is scary, by the way. It's all very predictable, and the acting makes most of it pretty funny. The girls are in chicken coops, people. Chicken coops! An 8 year old child can probably kick his way out of a chicken coop, yet all these girls can do is mildly cry a little bit and whine about their situation. Oh, and when I say they "mildly cry and whine", I mean they seriously pout. If I was caged by a madman killer, I wouldn't just whine and cry a little bit--I'd sob and do everything in my power to escape!! Even a little speck of realism would have been appreciated, but they couldn't even deliver that!!

All in all, I would highly suggest seeing this movie if you're into wasting time and/or laughing at something that's not meant to be funny. You'll walk away from it feeling bad for the dog (which gets SHOT, by the way, as if the dog really had a choice in the matter), and pretty much feeling sorry for yourself for staring at the television for the last few hours. The positive reviews on this site had to be created by the movie makers, themselves, which is pretty sad. Throw any positive review you've ever seen out of the window, because they're wrong.

Way to go, Fetch. Way to go. Worst. Movie. Ever.

I interviewed Trent a while back and he was seriously cool and really committed to his craft. Since he's eased off acting, the movies he's written have been polarizing to say the least.