2011 Miss USA Contestants On 'Evolution': Science, 10 - Ignorance, 41?

What all 51 (remember DC? I was kind of hoping it was Puerto Rico instead) 2011 Miss USA candidates had to say about whether evolution should be taught in public schools is almost unbelievable. I never thought so many gorgeous women could become so appallingly unattractive so quickly. Didn't we solve this shit in, like, 1926?

When I watch this video of all 51 Miss USA 2011 competitors answering the question, "Should Evolution Be Taught In Schools?"

This is all I hear:

Madeline Mitchell (Miss Alabama) begins the video with saying, "No, I do not believe in evolution, I do not think it should be taught in schools," to which I am aghast. But then the video goes on to get so much worse. So. Much. Worse.

It's shocking to see 51 gorgeous young women with white teeth and shiny hair who all went to public schools and grew up, just like I did, in an America where education is public and free, and we have freedom of religion so that no one belief system in God is forced on us in public school, say horrible and ignorant things that show that not only has public education FAILED them, but that their families, their churches, and even the Miss USA Pageant itself are basically living in a medieval fantasy world where a man on a cloud makes people out of clay. In the face of proven fact (yes, people, evolution is a FACT - go to a museum and look at the millions of bones of our ancestors and realize that we really have NO missing links) these women defy knowledge and wisdom and instead spout fairy tales with nothing to back them up except a desire to appeal to the good-old Christian right that may be watching television and saying things like, "That thar Miss Iowa surrreee is purdy, and she do love God! let's go see her cut the ribbon at the new Wal-Mart next Saturdey!"

I'm not saying that evolution is incompatible with Christianity. I think Intelligent Design, which does not discount science, offers some intensely intriguing ideas about how life was created, but ultimately holds a supernatural explanation for human existence, should not be taught as a fact in schools. Creationism, slightly different than Intelligent design, is based on the Christian Bible and dictates that the Earth was formed 6000 years ago by an old man in the sky, and that everything else is lies. Creationism also implies that men are superior to women (I mean, things are the way that God made them) and that white people are better than other colored people, and that God is Magic and you'll go to hell if you're gay or read your horoscope. Creationism is for ignorant people. Creationism is the kind of thing you wish would go away, forever, because it makes people do horrible things in the name of pro-life and anti-women, and is actually a regression in intellect. Dark Ages, anyone?

Well, if you were deluded, like I was, that people in the United States are smart, you're in for a shock. I'm not quite over mine yet.

By the way - how fucking DUMB do you have to be before you're not allowed to run for Miss America? Isn't there a basic writing exam, or something? Most of these women seem to have the grammar and vocabulary of small children. They're grown women. They are embarrassing and do not represent the women in the United States that I know. Now all of Europe and Asia has one more reason to think we're complete morons. Thanks, Miss America Pageant, for having such low intelligence standards!!! In order to not make your contestants look like they are mentally handicapped, perhaps you should ask easier questions that don't involve any previous learning.

Jessica Chukran (Miss Alaska), calls evolution a "belief system" of "The West" (I guess she's really into her "Native American" culture? You know, the Native American culture of indigenous Alaskans that have a coming-of-age ritual for all women called "enter a fucking beauty pageant with all the white chicks?") and thinks that it's okay if it is mentioned in schools, but she personally doesn't believe in crap like that. You know, crap like reality.

Most of the women agree that when it comes to Creationism and evolution being taught in schools, "both sides of the story" should be told, "so people can choose for themselves," like Brittany Brandon (Miss Arizona). Blair Griffith (Miss Colorado) (who, by the way, speaks like she's 5) and Katie Hanson (Miss Delaware) believe it should be taught in high school, because "people can then learn about these experiences on their own and then opt to take that decision for themselves." Or something. Heather Swann (Miss DC) believes that it should be taught in schools "so that people can, you know, see a difference in perspectives."

Lisette Garcia (Miss Florida) points out that we "really don't know where the first person came from." It's such a mystery. All magical theories about who the first man was should be entertained. Did he come from a giant poop, Lisette? Did a Native American Buffalo crap him out? Teach us.

Lakynn McBride (Miss Arkansas) says she was never even taught about evolution - (can we please investigate which public high school she attended and fire some people?)

Kaylin Reque (Miss Georgia) believes that it's okay to teach evolution as long as we make sure to teach the Biblical truths as well. Because she has never heard of that thing called "separation of church and state." How could she have? She's been too busy walking around in bathing suits in beauty pageants to learn that it is actually against the Constitution of the United States to enforce any one religion as curriculum in a public school.

Angela Byrd, (Miss Hawaii) thinks that if we teach "Creationtism", everyone's "opinion" about where people come from should be taught, too, including evolution. Maybe she should set up a Facebook page asking everyone for their opinions, and we can include all of them, however imbecilic they may be, in all public school curriculum. (My apologies to any imbeciles who object to that adjective).

Erza Haliti (Miss Idaho) thinks that evolution should be "mentioned" in school, and that it shouldn't be pushed on kids, but they should be "knowledged" about it. People need "options" to believe in.

Jaymie Stokes (Kansas) thinks that "evolution should be exposed to kids" because the real problem here, people, is not that the kids aren't learning about evolution, but that evolution isn't learning enough about the kids. Thank God that Jaymie is on top of this and is willing to take the big risks by saying controversial things like that.

Rebecca Goldmsith (Iowa) actually admits to taking an "evolution class" in college, and enjoying it! "People should have equal opportunity in education," she says, so it should "be available as an elective." An amusing elective. You know, for nerds. And heathens.

Jillian Wunderlich (Miss Indiana), while being stupid, is also one of the few honest women in this competition - instead of saying what she thinks everyone wants to hear, which is "I think everyone should get what they want so no one hates me," she says, "I don't know! I think we should leave that up to the government." Because YES, how can a 20-year-old who spent her life in rigid Christianity, and who has probably never taken a physical anthropology class, be qualified to have any kind of significant opinion one way or the other on this topic? She knows that whatever she says, she'll look like an idiot, so she goes with her gut and just tells the truth: she doesn't know shit about anything, and she doesn't really care. She's here to wear lipstick and walk around in a swimsuit. Jame Crandall (Utah) understands that no matter what she says, "somebody is going to be offended." She wants everyone to be happy, so she doesn't answer the questions.

Kia Hampton (Kentucky) is troubled by how many different cultures have different definitions of what "evolution" is - it's just too complicated for children to learn. I think Hampton is confusing "evolution" with "evil"? She says that "not everyone would agree on" evolution, so it shouldn't be taught. Someone, make this woman a teacher! I personally do not agree that Wormholes exist. I forbid any public university physics class to teach wormhole theory!

Allyn Rose (Maryland) thinks that "everything should be taught in schools. That's what makes America so great." Let's teach kids how to make incendiary devices, okay? It's their right. Also, I want to teach kids the alphabet the way French people say it. They can decide later if they want to have an accent or not when they speak. It's their right. As children. Ashley Durham (Tennessee) Anna Prosser (Oregon), Amber Watkins (Pennsylvania) and Julianna White (New Jersey) agree with her. Everything.

Ana Rodriguez (Texas) doesn't see why it shouldn't be left up to the schools to decide what they teach. I think each public school should have a different curriculum. Some should teach math, some shouldn't. You know? She thinks that evolution might be "something extra for kids to know about."

I almost put Channing Pierce (Michigan) in the "smart" list, because she totally believes evolution should be taught in school, but then she says that it's important because kids need to learn "both sides" of the story. Because there are Christians and Atheists in this country, and no one else. No one else that Channing has ever met, anyway, in small-town Michigan. Brittany Wiser (Montana) Kaitlyn Smith (Oklahoma) and Brandi Schoenberg (North Dakota) agrees with her, that if it were taught, "both sides" of the story need to be told. That will prepare us for the apocalyptic war between the heathens and the God-warriors more effectively, if people actively choose to reject God.

Amber Collins (New York) thinks that while evolution should be taught in schools, "religion should be taught in schools." You heard that. "Religion should be taught in schools." Also, "everything should be taught in schools." Amber is smrat. And she understands the questions. She says, "knowledge is power."

Brittany York (North Carolina) is a Christian, so she "believes the Bible." I have a question for her - how does she feel about "opposite marriage"?

Keeley Patterson (Mississippi) doesn't think it should be taught as "fact." But other than that, she thinks it would be fine if the science teachers mentioned it as a giant hoax on the part of anthropologists. Anthropologists who don't believe in God and who are going to hell.

No. Patterson didn't say that. But it's what I heard.

Hope Driskill (Missouri) thinks that if it ever were to be taught in schools, (Um, it is. Did you not go to school, Hope?) that "kids should be allowed to choose to believe for themselves." Ashley Caldwell (Ohio), like Hope, says that "The young of today should keep their options open."

Sarah Chapman (Nevada) thinks that evolution should be taught in schools. But not just how humans evolved from monkeys, but how "everything evolves. We evolve, as communities that build ourselves from scratch. Nevada is a good example of that." Totally, You totally understand evolution, Sarah.

Nikki Poteet (Vorginia) thinks only bits n' pieces of evolution should be taught in schools, because "it IS only a theory," you know? Bitsnpieces. It'll help people figure out "what they want to believe is true." Well-put. I want to believe that this woman wouldn't have qualified for a pageant, but - can't have faith. Not my strong point.

Whitney Veach is a peach of a gal. She is all in favor of evolution being added to a school curriculum, as long we don't "take religion out." Newsflash- they don't teach religion in school. WHERE the fuck did these people go to school?????

I won't cover all of them; they tend to repeat themselves.

I am heartened by the responses of the following women, who managed to make some sense in the midst of hanging out with hillbillies, religious nuts, and plain-old uneducated people for so many weeks during the pageant.

Alyssa Campanella, Miss California, is a shining beacon of intelligence. Not only does she admit that she believes in evolution, but she uses the word "science" in her answer. Science! Thank you Alyssa!!!

Regina Turner (Miss Connecticut) doesn't qualify her answer with a bunch of pandering bullshit. She believes in evolution. Period.

I'll give it to Angela Sparrow (Miss Illinois), who is succinct in her not-quite-sure way of saying that it is "information" that should be available to students.

Alida D'Angona, remarkably well-spoken for a woman in this competition, was taught evolution in her religious elementary school, and says that YES, it should be taught, If nothing else, "it broadens your horizons." Brittany Thelemann (Minnesota) admits she's a Catholic, but that she thinks evolution should be taught in schools because she thinks it isn't incompatible with the Catholic faith. Which it isn't, if you're a Catholic with a brain, like Thelemann.

Kind-of dumb Brittany Toll has the good sense to say that YES, it should be taught in schools, because it is "based of off science" (Score 2 for the word "science"!!!) and that "science is a huge thing." Chandra Burnham (South Dakota) calls it "basic science" (score 3), and Laren Carter (Vermont) says it evolution includes "important scientific facts" (score 4) and even mentions some hardcore shit like "bacteria" evolving, etc.

Angelina Kayyalaynen (Washinton) says that "science" should be taught!! (5)!!! But she doesn't think every little theory should be. I have no idea what the fuck she's talking about.

I'm a little baffled by these answers, and a little unsure as to how long our nation has been this unsure about evolution as scientific fact. Did I miss something? Should I be afraid? Very afraid? It isn't so much a personal rejection of the facts of human evolution that frighten me - it won't effect me very much if one blond girl from a Dakota believes in the story of Adam and Eve as truth. But when people actively reject scientific fact in favor of unscientific belief, (a belief that also threatens women's rights to control their own sexuality, that wants to criminalize homosexual and queer sexuality, and to enforce the teachings of one specific religion in all public schools) I get afraid. Anyone ever read The Handmaid's Tale? They made a movie version. Aidan Quinn is really hot in it.

Aidan Quinn with a puppy

On an unrelated note, there are 8 women over the age of 25 who competed in the 2011 competition - 20 years ago, there wouldn't have been any. The average age of the competitors seems to be around 24, a step up from 19 just a few decades ago. looks like women are attending college before spending their lives parading around in beauty pageants and saying dumb things into cameras, these days. One step forward, twelve back, I guess.